When thinking about an interpersonal conflict to describe for this post, the first one that popped in my mind occurred a couple of years ago. It involved my sister and myself and, on hindsight, was probably the most frivolous argument we have ever had. The core of the disagreement was about what I was to wear for her best friend’s wedding reception. Believe me, I am well aware of how ridiculous this sounds.
Since she was close friend of the newlyweds, my sister felt that I should attend the reception in a sari (a traditional Indian outfit). However, as I had to attend another function prior to the event, I felt that wearing the Western clothes I was already in would be more practical. Unfortunately, what should have been a normal discussion quickly escalated into a shouting match leaving my sister exasperated and me, as usual, clueless.
The issue did not seem big to me. On the hand, my sister took it to heart and did not speak to me for a while (at least until I turned up at the venue wearing a sari). It was a period when she was rather busy with work and planning the wedding, leaving her quite stressed. I was simply confused and frustrated that she refused to see it from my point of view. So the questions to consider would be: How could we have handled the situation such that it wouldn’t have ended in a serious disagreement? What was I failing to see/understand?
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Hi Jayanthi,
ReplyDeleteYour post is very simple and easy to read =)
From what you mentioned, I'm guessing your sister was indeed very stressed when she was speaking with you then. Now that you mention, I realised I can be very snappy when I'm stressed out with work too.
I'm guessing also that because it was her best friend's wedding, she wanted everything to be perfect, which also meant that guest clothes, the flower arrangement, the number of bottles of wine had to be exactly what she envisioned (it's especially more pronounced when someone has more of a type A personality haha).
At that moment when you suggested a western outfit, it was like the perfect plan went awry, which was probably why she snapped. On hindsight, I think she would have also thought it a very trivial matter.
Well, if I were you I would probably have taken some time to explain my point to her. But if I sensed she was not willing to take the suggestion, I would have given in to her first. Choosing another day when she is not so flustered, perhaps I could try and make my point again. Over the course of that time, she may have had the opportunity to think over the issue and realise your perspective. Hopefully, that would have avoided the argument =)
Cheers
Ben
Hi Jayanthi
ReplyDeleteThat's a really concise post! :)
Anyway, your conflict didn't sound too ridiculous to me because I've been in such conflicts before- arguing over where to put an certain item in the room (when I shared it with my elder sister), leaving my friend's disposable mineral water bottle at some place accidentally causing her to become angry with me, and much more =p
As for the conflict you had with your sister, you didn't mention much about what information transpired between both of you during the discussion. Did you mention about the function you had prior to the event? I feel that you had a valid reason to wear the western clothes to the wedding. Actually may I know if there's any significance among your culture in wearing saris for weddings (especially for good friends or family)? I would like to clarify about that because for Chinese weddings, it usually doesn't matter much if you wear traditional or western clothes to weddings.
From what you've mentioned, it seems that your sister was very stressed over the wedding as well. Different people have different ways of dealing with their stress and I guess for your sister, it is the tendency to become short-tempered and easily irritated. While that isn't the best way to handle stress, if your sister didn't seem willing to listen to you that day, perhaps you could have chosen another day to bring up the matter to her?
Your sister could also be stressed because her friend had assigned her to planned her wedding and might have given her some guidelines as to what she would like for her wedding. Perhaps wearing saris was one of them? Your sister's friend might also be putting pressure on your sister, causing your sister to become very flustered as well. I think one thing you could have done was to politely ask your sister if it was necessary to wear the sari and then explain to her that actually you had an event before that. You could then show that you're still open to her suggestion (about wearing the sari) if she thought it necessary (since there might be genuine reasons).
I think it was nice and understanding of you to decide to wear the sari in the end. At least with that, both of you were subsequently back on talking terms :)
~ Jia Lin
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ReplyDeleteHey Jayanthi,
ReplyDeleteI think that the small conflict is just that your sister is very stressful about the wedding. Maybe because it’s her best friend wedding and she wants everything to be picture perfect. In doing so, I think she gets more emotional and demanding. Thus, for her, the wedding is very important, but to us, it’s just another wedding, so our mindset will be totally different. I think that it is sometimes inevitable that we are more demanding and less patient with our family members, our expectation for each other is very high. With a little compromise, like you did, it does solve the conflict. As a family, I don’t think anyone should hold grudges against one another, we all need to forgive and forget!
Cheers,
guoren
An excellent post, Jayanthi. You'd described the conflict well, and have portrayed the characters vividly. You'd also asked a specific question, generating good feedback. Good job!
ReplyDeleteDo take note of your language use though - you probably have typed this in a hurry and left out words here and there. It will be good if you make time to edit your writing before uploading.
Looking at the five characteristics of EQ (you can find the link to the article in the skills-builder) - do you think the conflict can be avoided had one or more of the five elements been applied?